求一位高中英语老师帮我批改一下这篇作文。。。

Question

如题，今天零诊考试写的，本来我觉得写得还不错，但过分的高级词汇和句式表达似乎会带来一些麻烦，另外这次我写的内容又超过了规定的字数（规定是100左右），我想知道我这篇作文到底能是一个怎样的分数并且希望能有老师能提出改进意见。
作文要求：
假设你叫李华，你将代表中国学生去参加世界节水日（World Water Party）大会，请按一下提示写一篇题为谁是生命之源（no water, no life）的英文演讲稿。
1、简述水的重要性

2、水被浪费的现象
3、水被污染的现象
4、保护水资源的措施（至少两点）
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Li Hua from China. It's my great honor to be here. The topic of my speech today is "No water, no life."
As the foundation of life, water plays a significant role in our life. We can't wash our without water. We can't drink without water. What's worse, without water, we can't even live.
But nowadays, water is extravagantly wasted. People tend to use water without knowing exactly what they are going to do with it. They often use water at an excessive amount and thus much water is wasted.
It's shocking to see how severe the pollution can be. With the rapid development of industry and the responsibilities people refuse to take being ignored, many factories have produced many lethal chemicals and poured them into the water, causing deaths of fishes, aquatic animals as well as plants.
So it is high time that we took measures to prevent this situation from deteriorating. Firstly, our government should ban those factories which have produced many pollutants and pass a law to limit how many pollutants one factory can produce. Secondly, as individuals, we can use less water and stop polluting it.
I hope one day this situation will get better.
抱歉第二段那一句应该是wash our hands。最后再说一句，我想我的语言功底是不错的，但每次作文都拿不到满分，我想请教一下各位老师，我的作文到底还有什么可以改进的地方。Thanks in advance

Answer 1

我试着改一下，你比较一下，不足之处，请谅解，毕竟本人水平有限：
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Li Hua from China. It's my great honor to be be chosen to represent Chinese studnets to attend World Water Party .The topic of my speech is "No water, no life .
As is known to us all ,water is the foundation of life, which plays a significant role in our life. We can't live without it .For example , we must use it to wash our hands and faces. We also have to drink it every day for our health . Farmers need it to irrigate their fields . Factories need it to produce goods .
But nowadays, you will find water is extravagantly wasted.here and there . People tend to use water without realizing it is limited . They often use water at an excessive amount and thus much water is wasted.
It's shocking to see how severe the pollution can be. With the rapid development of industry,many factories have produced many lethal chemicals and poured them into the water , causing deaths of fishes, aquatic animals as well as plants. People living by the river also throw waste into the river , therefore the water is polluted little by little .
So it is high time that we took measures to prevent this situation from deteriorating. Firstly, our government should ban those factories which have produced many pollutants and pass a law to limit how many pollutants one factory can produce. Secondly, as individuals, we can use less water and stop polluting it.
I hope one day this situation will get better.

整篇文章文笔不错，写的很好。我感觉在文章段落衔接上下点儿功夫，整篇文章稍微散一点。高级词汇可适当运用，否则由于运用不熟练，造成文章不流畅。多运用高中学习中的句式：倒装、虚拟语气、从句等，会在阅卷中给教师一个好的印象。
祝学习进步，天天快乐！

Answer 2

您好！
您的文章结构很合理，经典句型引用的比较到位，给您赞一个！
但是有些生僻词汇 在您的高中学习阶段出现的几率极低
文章中需要稍稍改动的有：
一段一句 my speech 后 today去掉
二段一句a significant 改为更便于理解的 an important 二句 can't wash 后 our 去掉
三段一句的被动语态引用的相当棒， is extravagantly wasted 可以改为便于理解的 is wasted seriously
四段一句the pollution 直接跟is 去掉can be
四段二句and 到 ignored 表述不明确，建议去掉
四段三句 into the wather 后可以加 without dealing 逗号去掉 改为which引导的定语从句 修饰限定前面的致死化学物 which can cause the death of fishes
五段一句that we must take measures 您的整篇文章是采用的一般现在时，这里的took建议用原形
五段二句整个句子可以用一个复合句进行调整，政府需要通过法律不仅去惩罚那些制造严重污染的工厂，而且还要限定他们每天的污染制造量。
The goverment should pass a law which not only to punish the factories who makes pollutions seriously but also to limit the pollutions they can made each day.
五段三句，we can use less water这句跟上句联系不是十分紧凑，我推断您的意思是想说同时我们生活中也要注意节约用水吧，那么建议您该句改为：we must save water by many ways in our daily life, we should stop wasting and polluting it.
望采纳！

Answer 3

　　Ladies andgentlemen,
    (Good afternoon.)I'm Li Huafrom China. It's my great honor to be here. The topic of my speech today is"No water, no life."
    As the foundation of life, water plays a significant role inour life. We can't wash our hand without water. (这几句之间分号更佳）We can't drinkwithout water. What's worse(To make it worse),without water, we can't even live(其实前面已经提了“as the foundation of life”，总觉得表意重复).
    But(However,) nowadays, wateris extravagantly wasted. People tend to use water without knowing exactly whatthey are going to do with it(表意明确一些为好：without knowing how much exactlythey need). They often usewater at an excessive amount and thus much water is wasted.
    It's shocking to see how severe the pollution can be. Withthe rapid development of industry and the responsibilities people refuse totake being ignored, many factories have produced many lethal chemicals and pouredthem into the water, causing deaths of fishes, (other)aquatic animals as well as plants.
    So it is high time that we took(take)measures to prevent this situation from deteriorating. Firstly, our government should ban those factories which have produced many pollutants(produce不是问题所在，而是discharge才是问题所在) and pass a lawto limit how many (restrain the quantity and types of)pollutantsone factory can produce(discharge). Secondly, asindividuals, we can (save water by cutting the use ofit)use less water and stop polluting it(stop不可能，从逻辑上来讲应该是try to avoid contaminating it).

　　I hope one day this situation(最好指明是什么situation, 因为这是结尾段) will get better (with all our effort).

鄙人不是老师，不过修改之处你可以借鉴借鉴。

作文的要求，个点都答全了。整个作文分段构思也不错。需要提高的就是以下几点：

尝试避免出现太多重复的字眼，比如pollute可以用contaminate替换，污水也可以说drainage，词汇看得出有用心，还可以继续提高。


逻辑上不够严谨。如就算工厂会产生污水，不意味着它会排放污水，万一它由良好的净水系统呢？我能理解作者的意思，可是正如文中所标示的一些东西，总觉得读起来思维不顺畅。

以上都是个人愚见，祝学习天天向上！

Answer 4

也许你可以试试句酷批改网