雅思大作文，求大神指教
lawbreakers are various and humanity. Among them, the most common one is sending them to jail. At the same time, doing some work and learning new skills is advisable for its economic and long-run development feature.
First of all, doing some job during the criminals' punishment term can relieve the financial burden on the government. As we all know, the resources which are used to look after offends come from taxpayers. However, if all the lawbreakers were sentenced to prison and don't need to work, the cost of their daily life is enormous. What's more, I don't think a normal person has the duty to afford their life after they commit a crime. Therefore, making some contribution to a community can be quoted as a fundamental path to gain the pay for their live.
Besides, for a subjective view, once a lawbreaker decides to be a qualified social member again, the first thing they have to learn is how to live on their own. Although there are still few criminals who are well-educated, the majority of them drop out of school because of poverty. In this term, learning a useful skill in jail offers them an opportunity to find a job and be reaccepted by society. Otherwise, if they cannot hunt a job after relieved, it is hard to get a sense of social belonging to them. Perhaps, a more serious crime would be conducted due to the unacceptance from society.
There are also o drawbacks of this statement, compared with the easiest penal way -ending up in the jail. For example, some felonies may escape away during the social service or courses. Considering this kind of problem, it is indubitable that the security and guardians should be strengthened when activities hold in the community. Nevertheless, this event only occurs accidentally, moreover a horde of solutions can solve it.
In conclusion, job and skills can provide the offenders a chance to alter their life, meanwhile if it works properly, the government can take advantages of this system to earn money. Therefore, these attempts should be encouraged
开头的一部分
Some people think that all the lawbreakers should be sent into the jail, while others believe that they should also be made to do some work or learn some skills in the community. What’s your opinion?
As our society pay more attention to human rights, then manners we treat lawbreakers are various and humanity. Among them, the most common one is sending them to jail. At the same time, doing some work and learning new skills is advisable for its economic and long-run development feature.
我把我的作文发上来给你参考一下。
Should education and healthcare be free of charge and funded by the government, or should it be the responsibility of the people to pay for these services?
The improvement of the life level due to the economic development has led people to focus more on their spiritual life, with their education and healthcare inclusive, but who has to be responsible for the cost of education and healthcare has been raised onto heated discussion.
Health care and education, two of the basic elements in social life, are always in the concern of the public. Some people suggest that the service in these two fields should be paid by the government and be free to the public; while others believe it to be the duty of the people to pay on themselves. As to me, the coverage on education and healthcare should be made the duty of the government while leaving some special demands to be burdened by individuals.
Government free provision of education and healthcare can demonstrate their responsibility in serving the people. Having fulfilled their obligations to the country in the form of taxes, citizens have the right to enjoy the service in return from the government, with education and health care being the two basic ones. Also, as the duty carrier in promoting social development, by guaranteeing the right of education and health care, the government are enabled to encourage citizens to make more contributions to the society.
Government’s investment on these two fields is beneficial to ensure social equality. Being free of charge, every citizen can take advantage of these social services, without the worries about being treated unfairly due to their lack of social resources, such as their social status and human network. Besides, this will be helpful to reduce the difference between the rich and the poor, at least in these two basic rights, creating a more harmonious social atmosphere.
Admittedly, if the citizens are wealthy enough, or when they demand some special service, or when the government is too limited in its budget, individuals’ sharing some of the cost may also seem to be reasonable. However, rare cases of particular requirements do not represent the general pursuits of the public, and limitation in budget does not free the government of its accountability.
To sum up, government should provide free education and healthcare to the public and pay the cost. Only when people are better educated and healthier in physiques, can the society be more harmonious in atmosphere and dynamic in development.
其他的有小小的问题，don't不能简写，要写成 do not
for example 如果用... is good case in point 会比较好，学术性写作一般会用这个句型追问
怎样才可以达到6分水准？我是结构问题还是句型词汇问题比较严重？
追答像上面讲的，你后面几段写得挺好，就是第一段不行，首尾两段写得不好会影响评分，尤其是第一段，第一印象嘛。
个人觉得是逻辑思维不是很清晰。像这类文章的开头你可以用 There is a controversial issue that whether....（引出题目所讲的现象）From my point of view, it is ....that 直接讲出你的观点。这样开头简洁明了，开门见山。
另外你改写的第一段用了must，最好不用太过于绝对的词，英语比较讲究用词的准确性，所以一般都很少用太过于绝对的词，平时聊天交流会用这类词来进行强调，但是写文章就比较少了。
另外你写了大概350字，是在限定时间内写的吗？如果是按照考试时间写的那还可以，如果不是那在考试时间你估计还写不出这样的文章来，所以动笔之前首先要捋清思路，看你的文章逻辑思维不是很强，没有比较明显的连接词，表递进关系或表明观点等等。你文中比较喜欢用 perhaps, for example来描述，其实举例子并不是代表支持论点的论据。
我一般每段就三句话，句子结构用好了其实不用写很多句话的，整理好结构思维比较重要。表原因123，一个原因一句，每句搭上从句来描述原因，其实写得好的话一句话就有三行了。
所以总的来说，你是逻辑思维结构的问题，看你文章的人会不太明白你要讲什么。继续改吧，6分不难的
三句全有错，正确率百分之零，不会过5分了。尽管后面几段应该可以6分，但是因为这一段的糟糕全给毁了追问
开头这样改好一点了吗?
我认为这样开头完全可以达到6分以上。不过furthermore一定要引起单独的一句，不能像and一样放句子中间。如果你是自己修改的开头，你应该是有有冲击七分的潜力的，只是语法忘的比较厉害。巩固一下语法，钻研一下《8分范文万能模板》，奔7去吧。不是让你背模板哈，好好品位一下那些文章，会很有好处的
本回答被网友采纳